Emotional Differences Between Men and Women

Guys and girls are different. I guess that’s a fairly obvious statement, but only since I’ve begun to date more seriously in my quest for my “fair lady” have I realized exactly how different we are.

One way that men and women are so different is in how we connect with each other emotionally. Let me explain.

For men, emotions are to be dealt with, they are like a problem to be fixed or a puzzle to be solved. Once the puzzle is solved or the problem is fixed, they quickly move on with the rest of life. If one man is having a hard time, dealing with a lot of negative emotions, he may never tell another person about them, just burying them deep away. If, by some chance, he actually does share these emotions with another man, the conversation might go something like this:

“Hey man, life really stinks right now.”

“Yeah, why?”

“Well…” then, the man shares in as logical and well-thought out order his problems, starting with the most important and individually dealing with each one until they find a solution.

After a solution is found, the conversation might end something like this:

“Dude, thanks for listening to me. That really helped.”

“No problem man. Any time.”

They might end the conversation with a high-five, a chest-bump, or maybe even a hug(but just a quick squeeze mind you).

Both the men might go on their own indivisual ways, never talking to eachother for another year-or-so, and that’s totally fine. Dealing with emotions for men is like fighting a battle. If you need help, I’ll come get your back and fight by your side until the battle is over. Then we’ll go on our own ways fighting our own battles until we meet again.

Helping another man emotionally creates no commitment. I got your back when you needed it, and I know you’ll get mine if I need it, but you don’t have to stick around, I’ll call if I need more help. But that is not how it works with women I’m finding out.

As I’ve talked with women, especially my sisters, I’ve realized that women don’t think this way. Or, more accurately, women don’t feel this way.

When a women decides to allow another person into her inner-most feelings, it is very revealing for her, she puts herself in a very vulnerable position, trusting that her confidant will trust and love her in spite of whatever she may share. If she chooses to allow someone to come this close, especially a man, she is asking him to stick around and be there for her. Unlike a man, she expects commitment.

My sisters have told me repeatedly: “sharing emotions is no different with women than holding hands. She expects commitment.” Generally speaking, men connect physically, like by holding hands and kissing, and women connect emotionally, by sharing their deepest fears, dreams, doubts and desires.

Too often, men don’t realize this. They expect women to react like other men. If a women is feeling sad, they rush in to fix her problems. A man good at listening, will allow the women to share all her deep emotional stress, and when she’s done, he’ll stand up, shake himself off feeling glad he could help a “comrade” in a “ battle” and say, “well that was good, I’ll see you around.” He expects her to react like another man, “yeah man, that was awesome, see you around.” And go on her marry way.

Instead, often the women feels deeply hurt that the man left her, I shared my deepest feelings and he didn’t even care enough to stay around. She feels led on and betrayed. How could he have let me become so close to him and have validated me so much if he didn’t love me? She asks herself.

Guys, be aware that women connect emotionally. No matter how silly this idea may seem at first (I initially thought it rediculous—who connects emotionally? Really?!) Just ask the women in your life and then really listen to what they have to say. Be aware of this, if you have intense emotional conversations with women, they will most of the time assume that you like them. Be aware and choose wisely how emotional you will let the relationship get, just like you choose how physical the relationship gets.

Women, be aware that not all men understand this principle. Sometimes good men who really want to help may ask you to share your deepest emotions and sincerely listen to you, trying to help out a fellow soldier. Guard your heart. Get to know the man and don’t assume that just because he listens well and shares his feelings that he loves you too.

I don’t mean to write this article to scare men and women away from talking about emotions, but rather to make both sexes aware of the differences between men and women in this area, so that communication and friendship, and love and romance will be clearer and less confusing.

I wish you all the best in dating, courting and marrying.

Sincerely,

Lucas Reynolds

My Lonely Battle

It is a lonely battle. I stand alone. My shield dented, my sword blood stained, and gaping wounds on my face, arms, sides and legs. My banner is not torn down. I have arisen. The war is not yet over. I have not given up. Alone I stand, just me…and God.

I wipe the sweat and blood from my eyes. Resolution fills my wounded heart. I may have been knocked down, but I’m now on my feet, ready to fight.

The memory of my father is painted brightly in my mind. For him I fight, for his name and memory. My mom and sisters too, as well as for my brother; I cannot let them down. And for my future wife, I know not who she is, but I know she is beautiful, and I know she is kind and loving, she is strong and she is captivating, and she is good. Someday I’ll meet her, and I cannot die before that day. The battle is yet begun.

As I view the innumerable host that is my enemy, my heart pounds. Can I defeat them? Even so hopelessly outnumbered? But the battles of my past have hardened me and strenthened me. I’m not the amatuer fighter I was before. I am now confident. God has never let me be killed, and will not let it be so now. My past battles have made a man of me. I came onto the battlefield a boy, I now stand a man.

The scars I bare are evidences of the brutality of war, but more than that, they are my pride and honor. “These wounds I had on Crispin’s day.” They are medallions of victory—they are my personal medal of honor.

No wound can kill me, unless I give up. No attack can overcome me, unless I give in. With God’s help I can receive no mortal wound, no matter how deep or painful. I can overcome, I can heal, I can rise again. And with each healed wound another scar of honor is added. I become a better man, a more dangerous warrior.

The enemy is afraid. They band together and council late into the night on how to defeat me. They hate me, and would destroy me. They would take away my freedom, my family and my friends. Their goal is bondage and misery; mine is freedom and happiness. There can be no treaty, no “parlee”. My enemy will not sleep until I’m destroyed. I will not sleep until I’m free.

Let them come.

I do not fear the battle, I do not fear my enemy. I cannot lose, no matter how much I am wounded. I love the victory, it is so sweet to my taste. The spoils of war far outweigh the suffering of the battle. I am married to the battle. I cannot divorce it. Until the day I die, I will fight. I must fight.

I am alone with God—and I will win.

The Sorrow of the Daughters; My Resolve

Last night I had a heart-wrentching conversation with a wonderful friend of mine. She is a beautiful and capable woman, who does so much good, but she told me of a secret wound—a wound caused by her father.

Without details, she explained how her father had filled her childhood with abuse, making her feel unworthy, bad, ugly and worthless. Like a thief robbing the treasury of a palace, he stole the precious jewels that make up a whole and happy woman; leaving her alone, destitute, empty and with an innate distrust of men. She has to re-learn how to receive love from men, because for so long “love” meant pain and deception.

How my heart ached as I heard this wonderful daughter of God explain her pain.

I was reminded of the words of Jacob:

“For behold, I the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and the lands of my people…And I will not suffer that the cries of the fair daughters of this people…shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts” (Jacob 2:31-32).

A man is a scalple, John Eldridge says, extremely sharp and can be used to heal or to hurt. With my friend, her father had done the latter. I was filled with indignation and disgust; how could someone call himself a man and hurt a daughter of God? How could he look in the mirror and call himself a man?

What cowardice! With so much evil on every side to fight and he choses to hurt a woman. Men, by nature, should use their natural power and strength to protect the precious porcelain of feminity, not to send it crashing to the floor.

Let true manhood fill the earth! Let the boys grow up and learn to love and to serve, to sacrifice and to fight against evil. I don’t want palcid, nice men, I want good, powerful men. Men who are warrriors who fight evil, not cowards who pick on women.

I resolved, once again, never to be that abusive man. I never want a daughter of God to have to raise up cries against me. I am resolved to protect, provide and preside, and never to manipulate, coerce or abuse.

The Validated Man

These thoughts aren’t necessarily origional. Most of them come from the book Wild at Heart, by John Eldridge, it’s just my personalization of his book.

Men need to be validated. In their nature is a deep, insatiable desire to be told, “You’re great!”, “You’re the man!”, and “You can do it!” We want to be enough and we want to be capable. John Eldridge says that we look to our dad to find that validation.

Perhaps without words we ask our fathers, “Dad, do you think I’m worth it?”, “Do you think I’m a real man?” His approval and pride in us will give us our answer.

But too often our fathers don’t or can’t provide this.

In my case, my father died when I was 16, a crucial age in determining my manhood. Would I, could I become a man? I had no idea.

Eldridge says that when our fathers aren’t there to validate us, our natural next-step is to turn to a nymph, a goddess, a beautiful woman to find our validation. She doesn’t even have to say, “You’re the man”, but by her merely recognizing you is validation. Every word of encouragement screems, “You’re the greatest man in the world.” Every time she chooses to be near you the message is stronger than a thousand sentances. Her look, her touch. Everything she does to say she likes you becomes the validating cry that the man so desperately needs.

The problem with this is, as Nephi explained: “Cursed is he that putteth his trust in the man [or woman] or maketh flesh his arm” (2 Ne. 4:34). Women are mortal, and we can never fully please them, or be pleased by them.

Men drink of the waters a woman’s beauty, they bathe in them and it feels so good. But the sensation wears off, and the man wonders what went wrong. Where did the exileration go? Why doesn’t he feel the same way any more?

Because the waters he drunk weren’t the Living Waters.

There is only one place that if we drink we will be satisfied. Christ said “But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never ^athirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water ^bspringing up into ^ceverlasting life.”

A fundamental sin among men is to choose women over God. Not just by adultery, but by trusting in a woman’s oppinoin, or caring more about a woman’s oppinion that about God’s.

I’ve experienced this personally.

When I returned from the mission I met a beautiful woman, and soon, my thoughts revolved around her, “What did she think about me?”, “Did she care about me?”, “What could I do to make her see I’m the man?”.

Sadly to say, probably 90% of my waking time was spent thinking and worrying about this.

Only after imense pain and cutting me down, was God able to help me realize how dependant I’d become. I no longer gained my validation from Him, but from a woman.

I decided I needed to let go, and turn to God for my validation. I’m still in the middle of that battle, and it’s one of the hardest I’ve fought yet, but I’m grateful that God, with such painful precision was willing to show me my weakness and my wound and my deep need for Him.

As I’ve trurned to Him, I have found peace and comfort and assurance. For me it has come slowly, not all at once, but I have felt of His love and validation. It is hard work to hear his voice, but let me tell you, when God tells you, “I love you. You can do this!” It is the sweetest sound on earth.

The Perfect Man

Becoming the Perfect Man.
That’s my goal.

Here is a great link by Elder Gereld N. Lund:
http://lds.org/ensign/1986/08/i-have-a-question/i-have-a-question?lang=eng&query=perfect+man
In this essay he explains perfection very clearly and has some great quotes. I’ve pulled out a few of my favorite quotes:

One definition of perfect is “never having flaw or error.” In this sense, only one person in all of human history—our Savior—has been perfect.
But perfect can also mean “having all flaws and errors removed.” A better way to state the original question might be: “Do we have to be perfectedto be exalted?” Here the scriptural answer is a resounding yes.

In the great sermon known as the King Follett discourse, the Prophet Joseph taught:
“When you climb up a ladder, you must begin at the bottom, and ascend step by step, until you arrive at the top; and so it is with the principles of the Gospel—you must begin with the first and go on until you learn all the principles of exaltation. But it will be a great while after you have passed through the veil before you will have learned them. It is not all to be comprehended in this world; it will be a great work to learn our salvation and exaltation even beyond the grave.”

President Joseph F. Smith confirmed this idea:
“We do not look for absolute perfection in man. Mortal man is not capable of being absolutely perfect. Nevertheless, it is given to us to be as perfect in the sphere in which we are called to be and to act, as it is for the Father in heaven to be pure and righteous in the more exalted sphere in which he acts.”

Elder Joseph Fielding Smith spoke with equal clarity on the same subject:
“Salvation does not come all at once; we are commanded to be perfect even as our Father in heaven is perfect. It will take us ages to accomplish this end, for there will be greater progress beyond the grave, and it will be there that the faithful will overcome all things, and receive all things, even the fulness of the Father’s glory....“But here we lay the foundation.”
___________________________

Here is what I got out of that:
We are supposed to be perfect, in our sphere, which means becoming perfected through the Savior, which happens exactly in proportion to how much we seek to become perfected in Him. Our goal is to become as perfect as possible here on this earth life, and we can choose that path--if we want to.
The Perfect man is the one who has become perfected of his past mistakes, and is continually working on becoming more perfect. That is our sphere. Learning to walk in God’s Statutes and keep His commandments. Learning to control our bodies, our minds and our emotions and shaping them into alignment with the Lord.
Moroni in his last words invites us to become perfect men:
“Yea, come unto Christ and be perfected in Him and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is His grace sufficient for you, that by His grace ye may be perfect in Christ....and if by the grace of God, ye are perfect in Christ, and deny not His power, then are ye sanctified by the grace of God...that ye become holy, without spot.” (Moroni 10:32-33)
Perfection doesn’t mean that we don’t have spots--yet. That’s the end goal, but as I’m working on that I can become continually perfected, through grace, as I
1. Deny myself of all ungodliness.
2. Love God with all my might: align my desires/motives
my mind: align my thoughts
and my strength: align my body, my actions
(to Love God is to serve Him, but also to serve him for the highest of reasons, not just out of fear of punishment, or out of a feeling of obligation, but because we really do love Him, like He first loved us. So to become perfect is to continually serve God more fully and out of continually more loving motives. That is being perfect in our sphere. We can be perfect men and women in our sphere, striving without ceasing to be one day fully perfect, without spot, or blemish, or imperfections.)

The Million Dollar Wife

Can I share two experiences I saw this week?

I learned a principle from these two experiences, I call it the Million Dollar Wife principle.

The first happened Wednesday, I was in the temple doing a session, and who else was there? One of the 12 Apostles and his wife. I din't notice them at first. In fact the session was almost over and I was watching couples returning to their seats and I saw one woman who was so beautiful; breathtakingly beautiful, in fact. "That's funny," I thought, "the man she's with looks like Elder_____...wait, it IS Elder_____."

"This is a prophet of God and his wife" I thought, "I'm going to take close notes and learn as much as I can."
I watched them as closely as I could.  They stood out as a couple, but what made them stick out?  I had to pinpoint what they did to make the beauty of their relationship radiate and fill the temple.

First, he led her by the arm like a Duke leading a new Queen to the coronation. His whole demeanor seamed to see, "can you all see this beautiful, wonderful, amazing woman at my side?" I could see that he loved her and that to him, she was the most beautiful creation of God.

I followed the Apostle into the celestial room and watch him go directly to his wife. He sat down at her side, they held hands and prayed silently. As if their unity coordinated every movement, they ended their individual prayers at precisely the same time. The looked up and kissed; twice. It was so beautiful.

Then his wife began to talk and 100% of his attention was focussed on her. His whole body was facing her and his facial expressions seemed to say, "What you are saying is the most important thing in the world." She motioned to her watch and seemed to talk about needed to get to some engagement, he nodded, and immediately rose, took her arm-in-arm, again exactly like a royal escort.

I could tell to this Apostle, his wife was worth far more than and monetary amount, and she knew it.

To him, she was the most amazing, beautiful woman; and because he believed it, she became the most beautiful, amazing woman. She stood out head and shoulders above the other women because he treated her head and shoulders above the other husbands.

Like Johnny Lingo who found "Mohana", the ugliest girl on the island, and turned her into a 10 cow wife. How did he do it? Simple. He just believed that she was worth 10 cows and got her to believe it as well.

Now I'll contrast this story with another which happened not 6 hours ago. I was standing in the foyer looking at the wall where the missionary pictures are kept, behind me I heard a man's voice lash out in a short phrase, "Are you ready yet?" The sentence was stabbed like a sword.

The wife was preparing a tithing slip, and obviously the husband was in a hurry.

The wife didn't answer, but moved more quickly.

"Are you ready yet?" he asked again, his frustration reaching boiling point.

"Almost." She replied, a little on-edge too.

"Well, hurry up, we gotta go." The upset husband said.

She finished the envelope and as she stood up to go he was already half-way to the door. He did hold the door for her, but like one guy holds the door for another until they can take it themselves. Here was no Duke escorting a Queen. They didn't touch as they walked, not arm-in-arm, not hand in hand. They barely talked and their conversation was made up of one sentence phrases, shot like snowballs back and forth. Had the conversation been more intense, it would have been grenades and not snowballs tossed between them.

My heart reached out for them, didn't they know how beautiful marriage can be? I felt bad for the husband, doesn't he know how valuable his wife is?

I won't be too quick to judge. I bet that this husband really did love his wife, and I probably caught them at just the wrong time, but one thing is for sure, at least in that moment for the time that I shared with them, he didn't treat her like a million dollar wife. She definitely didn't feel like a million dollars, she probably felt like she was worth 10, or at least that her husband valued her that little.

How could she look or act like a million dollar wife, when he treated her like a ten dollar one?

I longed to stop them and share my experience with the apostle and have them make up and walk arm-in-arm, looking as in love as newly weds. But that would have been really weird.

These two experiences gave be a good scale on which I can judge my relationships.

Am I treading my wife (someday), my sister, my mom, or my date, like a million dollar woman or a 10 dollar one?

Do they feel valuable and validated, beautiful and amazing while they are with me? Or, do they only feel my frustration and anger?

"A wife is as beautiful as her husband makes her" Jake Steel said.

I'm dedicated to having the most beautiful wife on the planet, and she will know that she is the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful girl in the world.

Melec Tsedic

So I've been thinking about being a father and husband, and the priesthood of Melchizedek.

Every father, according to the plan of God, should receive the Melchizedek priesthood and rule his family in that authority.

Melchizedek means king of righteousness in Hebrew: Melec=King, Tzedik=righteousness. We are literally to be to be the head of the family, the king, but also to rule in righteousness, not selfishness. We are to love and to serve those in our families.

Righteousness in the armor of God is the breastplate. We are to guard our heart and protect it from evil: pornography, abuse, and addictions. Our heart must remain pure because a good father and husband must be in tune with his heart. He must love his wife sincerely, and she must feel it. Giving her money, or an occasional "honey, I love you" isn't enough. She must know that our heart is completely invested in her.

We need to be kings-true kings who know how to handle every aspect of the kingdom, from finances to relationships, broken pluming to broken hearts. Our kingdom should be a kingdom of order. We need to lead out in family planning, family scripture study, and family prayer. We need to see the needs of our wife and take care of them, before she even has to ask.

In short, we need to be kings, and we need to be righteous: Kings of Righteousness.