Men need to be validated. In their nature is a deep, insatiable desire to be told, “You’re great!”, “You’re the man!”, and “You can do it!” We want to be enough and we want to be capable. John Eldridge says that we look to our dad to find that validation.
Perhaps without words we ask our fathers, “Dad, do you think I’m worth it?”, “Do you think I’m a real man?” His approval and pride in us will give us our answer.
But too often our fathers don’t or can’t provide this.
In my case, my father died when I was 16, a crucial age in determining my manhood. Would I, could I become a man? I had no idea.
Eldridge says that when our fathers aren’t there to validate us, our natural next-step is to turn to a nymph, a goddess, a beautiful woman to find our validation. She doesn’t even have to say, “You’re the man”, but by her merely recognizing you is validation. Every word of encouragement screems, “You’re the greatest man in the world.” Every time she chooses to be near you the message is stronger than a thousand sentances. Her look, her touch. Everything she does to say she likes you becomes the validating cry that the man so desperately needs.
The problem with this is, as Nephi explained: “Cursed is he that putteth his trust in the man [or woman] or maketh flesh his arm” (2 Ne. 4:34). Women are mortal, and we can never fully please them, or be pleased by them.
Men drink of the waters a woman’s beauty, they bathe in them and it feels so good. But the sensation wears off, and the man wonders what went wrong. Where did the exileration go? Why doesn’t he feel the same way any more?
Because the waters he drunk weren’t the Living Waters.
There is only one place that if we drink we will be satisfied. Christ said “But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never athirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water bspringing up into ceverlasting life.”
A fundamental sin among men is to choose women over God. Not just by adultery, but by trusting in a woman’s oppinoin, or caring more about a woman’s oppinion that about God’s.
I’ve experienced this personally.
When I returned from the mission I met a beautiful woman, and soon, my thoughts revolved around her, “What did she think about me?”, “Did she care about me?”, “What could I do to make her see I’m the man?”.
Sadly to say, probably 90% of my waking time was spent thinking and worrying about this.
Only after imense pain and cutting me down, was God able to help me realize how dependant I’d become. I no longer gained my validation from Him, but from a woman.
I decided I needed to let go, and turn to God for my validation. I’m still in the middle of that battle, and it’s one of the hardest I’ve fought yet, but I’m grateful that God, with such painful precision was willing to show me my weakness and my wound and my deep need for Him.
As I’ve trurned to Him, I have found peace and comfort and assurance. For me it has come slowly, not all at once, but I have felt of His love and validation. It is hard work to hear his voice, but let me tell you, when God tells you, “I love you. You can do this!” It is the sweetest sound on earth.
I would like to talk with you about this. I have gone through a similar experience and would like to share what kind of things we learned.
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