The Validated Man

These thoughts aren’t necessarily origional. Most of them come from the book Wild at Heart, by John Eldridge, it’s just my personalization of his book.

Men need to be validated. In their nature is a deep, insatiable desire to be told, “You’re great!”, “You’re the man!”, and “You can do it!” We want to be enough and we want to be capable. John Eldridge says that we look to our dad to find that validation.

Perhaps without words we ask our fathers, “Dad, do you think I’m worth it?”, “Do you think I’m a real man?” His approval and pride in us will give us our answer.

But too often our fathers don’t or can’t provide this.

In my case, my father died when I was 16, a crucial age in determining my manhood. Would I, could I become a man? I had no idea.

Eldridge says that when our fathers aren’t there to validate us, our natural next-step is to turn to a nymph, a goddess, a beautiful woman to find our validation. She doesn’t even have to say, “You’re the man”, but by her merely recognizing you is validation. Every word of encouragement screems, “You’re the greatest man in the world.” Every time she chooses to be near you the message is stronger than a thousand sentances. Her look, her touch. Everything she does to say she likes you becomes the validating cry that the man so desperately needs.

The problem with this is, as Nephi explained: “Cursed is he that putteth his trust in the man [or woman] or maketh flesh his arm” (2 Ne. 4:34). Women are mortal, and we can never fully please them, or be pleased by them.

Men drink of the waters a woman’s beauty, they bathe in them and it feels so good. But the sensation wears off, and the man wonders what went wrong. Where did the exileration go? Why doesn’t he feel the same way any more?

Because the waters he drunk weren’t the Living Waters.

There is only one place that if we drink we will be satisfied. Christ said “But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never ^athirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water ^bspringing up into ^ceverlasting life.”

A fundamental sin among men is to choose women over God. Not just by adultery, but by trusting in a woman’s oppinoin, or caring more about a woman’s oppinion that about God’s.

I’ve experienced this personally.

When I returned from the mission I met a beautiful woman, and soon, my thoughts revolved around her, “What did she think about me?”, “Did she care about me?”, “What could I do to make her see I’m the man?”.

Sadly to say, probably 90% of my waking time was spent thinking and worrying about this.

Only after imense pain and cutting me down, was God able to help me realize how dependant I’d become. I no longer gained my validation from Him, but from a woman.

I decided I needed to let go, and turn to God for my validation. I’m still in the middle of that battle, and it’s one of the hardest I’ve fought yet, but I’m grateful that God, with such painful precision was willing to show me my weakness and my wound and my deep need for Him.

As I’ve trurned to Him, I have found peace and comfort and assurance. For me it has come slowly, not all at once, but I have felt of His love and validation. It is hard work to hear his voice, but let me tell you, when God tells you, “I love you. You can do this!” It is the sweetest sound on earth.

The Perfect Man

Becoming the Perfect Man.
That’s my goal.

Here is a great link by Elder Gereld N. Lund:
http://lds.org/ensign/1986/08/i-have-a-question/i-have-a-question?lang=eng&query=perfect+man
In this essay he explains perfection very clearly and has some great quotes. I’ve pulled out a few of my favorite quotes:

One definition of perfect is “never having flaw or error.” In this sense, only one person in all of human history—our Savior—has been perfect.
But perfect can also mean “having all flaws and errors removed.” A better way to state the original question might be: “Do we have to be perfectedto be exalted?” Here the scriptural answer is a resounding yes.

In the great sermon known as the King Follett discourse, the Prophet Joseph taught:
“When you climb up a ladder, you must begin at the bottom, and ascend step by step, until you arrive at the top; and so it is with the principles of the Gospel—you must begin with the first and go on until you learn all the principles of exaltation. But it will be a great while after you have passed through the veil before you will have learned them. It is not all to be comprehended in this world; it will be a great work to learn our salvation and exaltation even beyond the grave.”

President Joseph F. Smith confirmed this idea:
“We do not look for absolute perfection in man. Mortal man is not capable of being absolutely perfect. Nevertheless, it is given to us to be as perfect in the sphere in which we are called to be and to act, as it is for the Father in heaven to be pure and righteous in the more exalted sphere in which he acts.”

Elder Joseph Fielding Smith spoke with equal clarity on the same subject:
“Salvation does not come all at once; we are commanded to be perfect even as our Father in heaven is perfect. It will take us ages to accomplish this end, for there will be greater progress beyond the grave, and it will be there that the faithful will overcome all things, and receive all things, even the fulness of the Father’s glory....“But here we lay the foundation.”
___________________________

Here is what I got out of that:
We are supposed to be perfect, in our sphere, which means becoming perfected through the Savior, which happens exactly in proportion to how much we seek to become perfected in Him. Our goal is to become as perfect as possible here on this earth life, and we can choose that path--if we want to.
The Perfect man is the one who has become perfected of his past mistakes, and is continually working on becoming more perfect. That is our sphere. Learning to walk in God’s Statutes and keep His commandments. Learning to control our bodies, our minds and our emotions and shaping them into alignment with the Lord.
Moroni in his last words invites us to become perfect men:
“Yea, come unto Christ and be perfected in Him and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is His grace sufficient for you, that by His grace ye may be perfect in Christ....and if by the grace of God, ye are perfect in Christ, and deny not His power, then are ye sanctified by the grace of God...that ye become holy, without spot.” (Moroni 10:32-33)
Perfection doesn’t mean that we don’t have spots--yet. That’s the end goal, but as I’m working on that I can become continually perfected, through grace, as I
1. Deny myself of all ungodliness.
2. Love God with all my might: align my desires/motives
my mind: align my thoughts
and my strength: align my body, my actions
(to Love God is to serve Him, but also to serve him for the highest of reasons, not just out of fear of punishment, or out of a feeling of obligation, but because we really do love Him, like He first loved us. So to become perfect is to continually serve God more fully and out of continually more loving motives. That is being perfect in our sphere. We can be perfect men and women in our sphere, striving without ceasing to be one day fully perfect, without spot, or blemish, or imperfections.)

The Million Dollar Wife

Can I share two experiences I saw this week?

I learned a principle from these two experiences, I call it the Million Dollar Wife principle.

The first happened Wednesday, I was in the temple doing a session, and who else was there? One of the 12 Apostles and his wife. I din't notice them at first. In fact the session was almost over and I was watching couples returning to their seats and I saw one woman who was so beautiful; breathtakingly beautiful, in fact. "That's funny," I thought, "the man she's with looks like Elder_____...wait, it IS Elder_____."

"This is a prophet of God and his wife" I thought, "I'm going to take close notes and learn as much as I can."
I watched them as closely as I could.  They stood out as a couple, but what made them stick out?  I had to pinpoint what they did to make the beauty of their relationship radiate and fill the temple.

First, he led her by the arm like a Duke leading a new Queen to the coronation. His whole demeanor seamed to see, "can you all see this beautiful, wonderful, amazing woman at my side?" I could see that he loved her and that to him, she was the most beautiful creation of God.

I followed the Apostle into the celestial room and watch him go directly to his wife. He sat down at her side, they held hands and prayed silently. As if their unity coordinated every movement, they ended their individual prayers at precisely the same time. The looked up and kissed; twice. It was so beautiful.

Then his wife began to talk and 100% of his attention was focussed on her. His whole body was facing her and his facial expressions seemed to say, "What you are saying is the most important thing in the world." She motioned to her watch and seemed to talk about needed to get to some engagement, he nodded, and immediately rose, took her arm-in-arm, again exactly like a royal escort.

I could tell to this Apostle, his wife was worth far more than and monetary amount, and she knew it.

To him, she was the most amazing, beautiful woman; and because he believed it, she became the most beautiful, amazing woman. She stood out head and shoulders above the other women because he treated her head and shoulders above the other husbands.

Like Johnny Lingo who found "Mohana", the ugliest girl on the island, and turned her into a 10 cow wife. How did he do it? Simple. He just believed that she was worth 10 cows and got her to believe it as well.

Now I'll contrast this story with another which happened not 6 hours ago. I was standing in the foyer looking at the wall where the missionary pictures are kept, behind me I heard a man's voice lash out in a short phrase, "Are you ready yet?" The sentence was stabbed like a sword.

The wife was preparing a tithing slip, and obviously the husband was in a hurry.

The wife didn't answer, but moved more quickly.

"Are you ready yet?" he asked again, his frustration reaching boiling point.

"Almost." She replied, a little on-edge too.

"Well, hurry up, we gotta go." The upset husband said.

She finished the envelope and as she stood up to go he was already half-way to the door. He did hold the door for her, but like one guy holds the door for another until they can take it themselves. Here was no Duke escorting a Queen. They didn't touch as they walked, not arm-in-arm, not hand in hand. They barely talked and their conversation was made up of one sentence phrases, shot like snowballs back and forth. Had the conversation been more intense, it would have been grenades and not snowballs tossed between them.

My heart reached out for them, didn't they know how beautiful marriage can be? I felt bad for the husband, doesn't he know how valuable his wife is?

I won't be too quick to judge. I bet that this husband really did love his wife, and I probably caught them at just the wrong time, but one thing is for sure, at least in that moment for the time that I shared with them, he didn't treat her like a million dollar wife. She definitely didn't feel like a million dollars, she probably felt like she was worth 10, or at least that her husband valued her that little.

How could she look or act like a million dollar wife, when he treated her like a ten dollar one?

I longed to stop them and share my experience with the apostle and have them make up and walk arm-in-arm, looking as in love as newly weds. But that would have been really weird.

These two experiences gave be a good scale on which I can judge my relationships.

Am I treading my wife (someday), my sister, my mom, or my date, like a million dollar woman or a 10 dollar one?

Do they feel valuable and validated, beautiful and amazing while they are with me? Or, do they only feel my frustration and anger?

"A wife is as beautiful as her husband makes her" Jake Steel said.

I'm dedicated to having the most beautiful wife on the planet, and she will know that she is the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful girl in the world.

Melec Tsedic

So I've been thinking about being a father and husband, and the priesthood of Melchizedek.

Every father, according to the plan of God, should receive the Melchizedek priesthood and rule his family in that authority.

Melchizedek means king of righteousness in Hebrew: Melec=King, Tzedik=righteousness. We are literally to be to be the head of the family, the king, but also to rule in righteousness, not selfishness. We are to love and to serve those in our families.

Righteousness in the armor of God is the breastplate. We are to guard our heart and protect it from evil: pornography, abuse, and addictions. Our heart must remain pure because a good father and husband must be in tune with his heart. He must love his wife sincerely, and she must feel it. Giving her money, or an occasional "honey, I love you" isn't enough. She must know that our heart is completely invested in her.

We need to be kings-true kings who know how to handle every aspect of the kingdom, from finances to relationships, broken pluming to broken hearts. Our kingdom should be a kingdom of order. We need to lead out in family planning, family scripture study, and family prayer. We need to see the needs of our wife and take care of them, before she even has to ask.

In short, we need to be kings, and we need to be righteous: Kings of Righteousness.

The 4 Part Love

Have you ever seen a beautiful relationship? Where the couple is just so wholly happy together? When I see that it makes me so happy i bubble over inside, "they did it!" I think, "they made it happen". When I see bad relationships and courtships it makes me sad inside, and if I see the girl abused or disrespected, it makes me sick.

I'm grateful for those couples that have fought to make their relationships work, and not only work, but beautiful, and while I don't know everything to make a beautiful relationship yet, I do know one thing that confuses, blinds and corrupts relationships, and that's when we don't love completely.

We are told to serve of love with all our heart, might, mind and strength, which I like to relate to the 4 parts of our human make-up: Emotional, Spiritual, Mental and Physical. When our relationships are invested with all of these, they work a lot better, when one or more is missing, we're in trouble.

How does that work?

Well, let me show you and give you some examples. I could be very physically attracted to the wrong type of woman, and become very emotionally involved, but deep down I know mentally and spiritually(morally) that it's wrong. It doesn't make sense if I really reason it out, and it doesn't follow what I know to be good.

Too often people dub "falling in love" to mere physical attraction and emotional connection. But I think that truly "falling in love", or the true, pure kind, only happens when all 4 parts are involved. Not only are we physically attracted, and we emotionally enjoy being around them, but the relationship makes sense if we think it through-it is rationally good for both people-and we can go home with a clean conscience. Spiritually, Mentally, Emotionally and Physically: all systems are a go.

Let me share a couple of examples. This idea solidified as I talked to a great friend Robert Burton and he explained how he knew it was the right decision to marry his wife. "It just felt right in so many areas." Rationally, it worked--they came from similar families, with similar morals and standards, they'd had a great friendship and both were willing and ready. Emotionally, they both liked each other a lot, and had been best friends for years. Physically, there was chemistry. Lastly, spiritually: after a lot of thought and meditation, an answer came, and Rob knew it was right. He'd checked all the bases, and everything was good to go.

A bad example comes from my family.

All of my sisters are beautiful and amazing, and men have and do fall for them. One sister, when she was 15 had a guy fall for her; but what make the situation really awkward was that he was 20, and he wanted a serious relationship. He was convinced that he'd fallen in love with her--and that made everything okay.

But had he really fallen in love? Was he really committed with all 4 parts. I doubt it.

Mentally, it didn't make sense. A relationship with a 15-year-old? She is so young and has so much growing to do, that relationship isn't wise for either of them. Emotionally, imagine what it does to a 15-year-old girl to go from no boys to a serious boyfriend to being dumped at age 16, and left thinking boys are jerks, that's just rude. and Spiritually, the Prophets have repeatedly said not to date until you're 16, and then only group dating. On so many levels the relationship was a bad idea, but this guy thought that being "attracted" to her was enough.

I think God wants us to "fall in love", but after we've checked all 4 bases and are ready to commit. We are taught to bridle our passions--that is neither killing them or letting them run free. It is using all the other parts of ourselves to check and balance our feelings and emotions, so that we can create beautiful relationships and "fall in love" in a way that won't come back to haunt us years down the road.